Day 30, Thursday: React to this term: Letting Go

Letting go to me means that you've held on to something for a long time, for whatever reason - sadness, anger, hope, hurt - and it's finally time.

Letting go isn't something you can do over night. I don't believe it's something you can make yourself do or talk yourself into, it happens in its own time. You have to go through certain things and emotions to suitably exhaust yourself of the topic. Sometimes you don't even notice that you've let go, sometimes you're over it and you've let it go before you even realise (that's the best). Letting go is accepting it isn't anymore, it won't be whatever you want it to be, it can't be the same again -whether it's a death or the end of a relationship or getting over someone.

For me, seeing as I don't overly remember my granddad dying (well I do, but I didn't understand enough to feel like I needed to let go) and no one else I know who has died, letting go is of friends and relationships that didn't work out. As I mentioned above, with friendships that don't work out, they're the ones I haven't realised until I've actually already let go, which is nice as it doesn't make me sad. But relationships, yeah I was guilty of holding on to one for far too long. It was something that wasn't good for me, and made me sad and worried and blame myself, when it wasn't to do with me, it was his own insecurities. But I couldn't let go of that for a long time, mainly because I felt like I'd been the one to mess things up and I wanted to put them right, or at least be the one in the right if they messed up again. But a couple of years down the line, every emotion you've ever thought of a fair few times over, lots of thoughts, dreams, tears and worries later... I've let go. I've closed that chapter and I'm at peace with it.

Of course Michael helped me with that, by showing me how good a boy can be, and how you should be treated and can even expect to be treated. Michael and I are partners, more than anything else. We're a two-man team who consult each other and discuss things, we work stuff out and we keep each other informed. Michael's love is always secure and I know it will never falter. And I've never had that before.

I don't have anything else I feel like I need to let go of; no bad feelings, anger, sadness. I'm generally content. I deal with issues as they arise, and if I'm able to talk them through with that person in that situation then I'm already over it. So yeah, perhaps this isn't what I was supposed to do today, but I let it take me wherever it wanted to, as usual and here we are!